Right now I'm sitting on a bench in the shade, safely nestled amongst the various well-pruned bushes, hidden from the sun's gentle rays by the shadow of an evergreen. The leaves fall around me, but this sound, once so terrifying and empty like the slamming of a door, now whispers to me of gentler times to come.
I am free. Finally! I am FREE! Trader Joe's is nothing but a sweet scented memory, and the bitter taste of Vermont has finally been spat out. These days, I feel like I can breathe again. Like that terrifying future that I feared and dreaded and hopelessly longed for like a wedding day has finally come and ripped the weight off my chest. Breathe in, breathe out. The air here smells like sunshine and cinnamon. It feels like the beginning of fall, not the last echo of it. I drove for two days to get here, to this land of what feels like eternal sunshine. I'm happy. For once, I'm truly, perfectly happy. The van broke down two days ago, but I got it back today and took a cruise into the mountains. I didn't want to stay long, because I'm not wearing the right hiking clothing, and I know I'll have to come back into town and pick Dan up eventually. I'm just trying to relax a bit until I get back on the road. That's what I've been scared of, these past two days. Being at home all day, playing video games, mindlessly eating, staring out the window. I was scared it would be too normal, too natural. That I would long for my old, simple life and it would spoil my inner tranquility forever. But it didn't. In fact, I almost cried driving, feeling just how good it felt to be free, with nothing to tie me down except the speed limit and all the endless possibilities of the open road stretching out before me. And although it's nice having access to an on-demand shower and kitchen, I don't really miss those things. Not as much as I missed my bed in the van and my books and my journal and playing music while cruising down the highway. I know van life is going to be different as soon as I have to get a job and reintegrate with society. After all, my vacation can't last forever. But despite all it's challenges, I think I'm really going to enjoy myself. I think I'm really going to have a good time. Already I feel like I've grown and learned so much in these past nine, almost ten days. And I can't wait to see what the future holds. Thank you, Jesus. See y'all on the road!
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Ever heard of Huel? Probably. If you're like me and rarely go online anymore, though, probably not.
"Huel (Human + Fuel) is nutritionally complete food. This means every Huel meal contains a balance of all 27 essential vitamins and minerals, protein, essential fats, carbs, fiber and phytonutrients in a single product." (From their website.) It's relatively inexpensive, filling, and quick to make. Huel Hot & Savory, which is their freeze-dried food product, is ready in five minutes, while the shake-powder version is even easier to prepare. Huel was recommended to me as a cheap and easy way to get calories and nutrients, while not breaking the bank. Let's face it, cooking every day is hard to do, even when living in a house or apartment. Never mind having to do the dishes at the end of the day. (My least favorite chore.) But Huel erases all that. For their Hot & Savory line, just add hot water to the bag and let it soak for a minimum of five minutes, although twenty is recommended. Still, for something that's nutritionally complete and fairly tasty while requiring no cleanup or prep, that's a pretty good bargain. I'm the kind of person who gets a thought in her head and then can't get it out. No matter how hard I try, no matter how many times I shake it off, if there's something I want or something I feel like I need or something I want to do, you can be sure I'm going to throw as much mental and physical energy at it as I possibly can until I've received whatever it is.
So... I bought some solar panels. In my defense, they were on sale. Now, do I need them? Technically, no. Should I have bought them, despite the fact they'll sorta-kinda ruin my whole stealth setup I've got going on? Probably not. Are they adding a lot of unnecessary weight, money, and time into the van and the project timeline? Yes..... But, I get a refrigerator! Oh, did I fail to mention the fridge is $800 dollars?! Yeah... Sometimes, I need to think things through before I do them. You see, I grew up with a lot of talkers. Not necessarily the way you think. They love to talk about plans of the future, but they rarely like doing them, or at least following through all the way. But me? I'm a doer. I need to get things done because it's how I feel accomplished. And, like I said, once I start something or get on a certain train of thought, I can't really stop it. And so, that's why, with limited research and a whole lot of impatience and a couple credit cards, I ended up with over $1,000 worth of solar sitting in my living room in boxes, just waiting to be installed. Hoooo, boy. Well, anyway. Want to hear about my setup? “(...)how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong, but to feel strong, to measure yourself at least once, to find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions, facing the blind, deaf stone alone with nothing to help you but your hands and your own head.” ― Christopher McCandless - Into the Wild I've had a lot of questions and concerns lately about my diet. It seems like every day I keep getting more and more articles and reddit posts and tiktoks about people exposing the food industry in America for slowly injecting more and more poison into our veins. It's terrifying. And, more than that, it's worrying.
You see, recently I've become a bit of a health nut. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy sweets as much as the next person (a little too much, even) but now that I've begun reading all the nutrition labels I've realized just how much of what we're buying and eating and putting into our bodies has either zero nutritional value or is so terrible for you it's not even worth the three-to-five dollars you'd pay just to poop it out later. I've also been thinking about how I'm going to cook while I'm on the road. For me, I'm the kind of person that doesn't like to do anything if there's too much effort that needs to go into it. Especially if it's a new situation or an unfamiliar routine that I haven't yet established. Which is why having food I can make quickly, easily, cheaply, and yummily is so so so important. And part of eating cheap, at least in my opinion, is to eat the most amount of nutrients for the littlest amount possible. Because I'm sure I could go to the local dollar tree and get groceries for less than most places, but if I'm just filling my body up with junk, then what's the point? All those dollars I might be saving will just go towards hospital visits or healthcare costs later. And that's stupid. So I've devised a plan. Find one to three meals that I can make quickly, easily, cheaply, and yummily on the road that will not only fill all my basic nutrition needs but also give me the most bang for my buck. Here's what I've gathered so far. I tipped my head back and breathed in the fresh June air, hot and heavy and pregnant with promise.
Here in this place where birds sing and planes groan and trees whine, where the plush, pillowy clouds rumble and dance with summer lightning, where the sky settles like a dark and damp blanket over the hazy city that's long been my prison. Teetering on the edge of everything I've ever known, toeing the line of expectations and disappointment, I feel at once limitless and unpredictable. It's finally June, and I am tired of waiting. I keep thinking about patience, these days. Mostly because I have to, but also, mostly because there is very little of me that is wired towards being patient. How can I be patient when there is so much at stake? How can I be patient when I've put so much of my heart and soul and being into this one thing, this one path, with no way of knowing if I'll actually be able to make it or not? How can I be patient when this feels like the only thing I have left to live for? Today was the most perfect day.
The sky was dark and cloudy, the rain an ever-present, gentle hum in the background. It was lovely. Yes, today was lovely. I woke up feeling refreshed, dredged from my strange and fantastical dream like a rabbit plucked from its burrow. I dreamt of a man. He and I were in a car together, traveling the country. Living on the road, living by the skin of our teeth. In love and entangled amongst the cushioned seats, our bodies piled like cats in hay. It was sweet. And it made me ache when I awoke, some hidden part of me awakening with a desire I never realized I had. These days, I dream of children. Of motherhood, of what it means to be a mother, of what I could give to someone I create with my own body. Pain. Fear. Anxiety. But also... Love. Love and laughter and strength and compassion. Good and bad. There is no one thing without the other in this world, and for once, I don't balk at the thought. I've never wanted children. Ever. Period. But that was the old me. The me that I killed, day by day, until she was nothing more than a voice inside my head. This new me... She considers being a mother. Weighs it against so many options, so many issues, so many pros and cons. The truth is, if I found the right man to make children with, I think I might really consider it. In some sad, small way, I just want to prove it to myself. Prove that I can do it. |
Author"To see the world. Things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, to draw closer, to find each other and feel. That is the purpose of life." Archives
November 2023
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