I tipped my head back and breathed in the fresh June air, hot and heavy and pregnant with promise. Here in this place where birds sing and planes groan and trees whine, where the plush, pillowy clouds rumble and dance with summer lightning, where the sky settles like a dark and damp blanket over the hazy city that's long been my prison. Teetering on the edge of everything I've ever known, toeing the line of expectations and disappointment, I feel at once limitless and unpredictable. It's finally June, and I am tired of waiting. I keep thinking about patience, these days. Mostly because I have to, but also, mostly because there is very little of me that is wired towards being patient. How can I be patient when there is so much at stake? How can I be patient when I've put so much of my heart and soul and being into this one thing, this one path, with no way of knowing if I'll actually be able to make it or not? How can I be patient when this feels like the only thing I have left to live for? I'm the kind of person, I've realized, that needs to have something to look forward to, or I'll go crazy. And I mean that in the opposite sense of the word. With nothing to look forward to or to dream about, my soul begans to wither and shrivel like a dried up flower, and I began to loose all hope or certainty for the future. It's as though there's a dark blanket surrounding me, covering me, until it's all I can do to muster my energy to get through each day and onto the next. Minutes turn to hours, hours to weeks, weeks to months.
May dragged on and on and on and yet in an instant, it's gone, and June is here. June is here. Summer is here. I have so many plans. So many things to look forward to. Hiking and fishing and running and climbing and all the things I've ever wanted to do outside, all of the limitless potential that flows beneath the blazing summer sun. But it's hard to feel excited about those things when the thing I truly want the most still isn't here. My van. I bought it, knowing full well it was going to need a new engine, and feeling determined to do whatever it took to make it road-worthy so that I could finally begin this journey. And so, it's been in the shop. Since February. To say I'm anxious to get it back would be an understatement. The moment I catch my thoughts drifting back towards my van, my legs begin to shake, stirring up within me a violent whirlwind of energy that is barely suppressible. I do everything I can these days to distract myself. Running, swimming, reading, journaling. Working. Always working. But it's still not enough. I know I have to be patient. And I know that this is what I signed up for. But, c'mon, man. Alright. Enough whining. Just had to get that off my chest. I've been doing a lot of planning and budgeting lately, so it's starting to feel like this whole thing is becoming real. Less of an abstract idea or distant dream and more and more of my new reality. And I'm ready. I'm so, so ready. Bring it on.
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Author"To see the world. Things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, to draw closer, to find each other and feel. That is the purpose of life." Archives
November 2023
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