Today was the most perfect day.
The sky was dark and cloudy, the rain an ever-present, gentle hum in the background. It was lovely. Yes, today was lovely. I woke up feeling refreshed, dredged from my strange and fantastical dream like a rabbit plucked from its burrow. I dreamt of a man. He and I were in a car together, traveling the country. Living on the road, living by the skin of our teeth. In love and entangled amongst the cushioned seats, our bodies piled like cats in hay. It was sweet. And it made me ache when I awoke, some hidden part of me awakening with a desire I never realized I had. These days, I dream of children. Of motherhood, of what it means to be a mother, of what I could give to someone I create with my own body. Pain. Fear. Anxiety. But also... Love. Love and laughter and strength and compassion. Good and bad. There is no one thing without the other in this world, and for once, I don't balk at the thought. I've never wanted children. Ever. Period. But that was the old me. The me that I killed, day by day, until she was nothing more than a voice inside my head. This new me... She considers being a mother. Weighs it against so many options, so many issues, so many pros and cons. The truth is, if I found the right man to make children with, I think I might really consider it. In some sad, small way, I just want to prove it to myself. Prove that I can do it.
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Author"To see the world. Things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, to draw closer, to find each other and feel. That is the purpose of life." Archives
November 2023
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