Today was the most perfect day. The sky was dark and cloudy, the rain an ever-present, gentle hum in the background. It was lovely. Yes, today was lovely. I woke up feeling refreshed, dredged from my strange and fantastical dream like a rabbit plucked from its burrow. I dreamt of a man. He and I were in a car together, traveling the country. Living on the road, living by the skin of our teeth. In love and entangled amongst the cushioned seats, our bodies piled like cats in hay. It was sweet. And it made me ache when I awoke, some hidden part of me awakening with a desire I never realized I had. These days, I dream of children. Of motherhood, of what it means to be a mother, of what I could give to someone I create with my own body. Pain. Fear. Anxiety. But also... Love. Love and laughter and strength and compassion. Good and bad. There is no one thing without the other in this world, and for once, I don't balk at the thought. I've never wanted children. Ever. Period. But that was the old me. The me that I killed, day by day, until she was nothing more than a voice inside my head. This new me... She considers being a mother. Weighs it against so many options, so many issues, so many pros and cons. The truth is, if I found the right man to make children with, I think I might really consider it. In some sad, small way, I just want to prove it to myself. Prove that I can do it. Sometimes, I dream of a son. The bond between a father and a son is something that makes a ancient, primal part of my body echo with longing. Getting to watch a boy grow and mature, guided by the strong hand of his father... And getting to be a part of that. To be the gentle to his rough. The sweet to his strong. Being the wife of that kind of man. A real man.
It's so hard to find a real man anywhere. All I talk to these days are boys. Boys interested in temporary pleasures, in throwaway love. I can't do that. I thought I could, once upon a time. I thought maybe I could dip my toes into that world without getting dragged under. But there is nothing for me there. There is nothing I want. It doesn't matter, anyway. Because I'm finally leaving. Did I tell you? I'm going to North Carolina. Or South Carolina. Probably both, actually. I'm so excited. It feels like I'm finally going to be starting my life. Like I'm finally going to get to live on my terms for the first time ever. I am so proud of myself for getting here. I am so proud of myself for getting a second job and buying a van and paying it off in exactly a month and working my ass off and planning and juggling daily life. I'm not dreaming anymore. This is really happening, and that alone makes me want to scream with pure, unadultered joy. What beauty and pain and majesty lie waiting for me in the future? Who knows. I don't, and that's the best part. I have a loose plan. I say loose in the best possible way because I truly don't want to do this by my own strength. I want the Lord to be there, every step of the way. Guiding me. Strengthening me. Establishing me in his Kingdom. I'm driving through New York, Pennsylvania, Virginia, and the Carolinas. My destination is Charelston. It's a beautiful city. It's also extremely warm, which is a big bonus. My heart pounds with all the possibilities. That's the thing about it. I've lived so much of my life just doing what I've been told and living one singular, depressing existance that this newfound freedom is both exhilirating and terrifying all at the same time. What do I do? How am I going to survive? What do I do if I can't handle it? But I'm stronger than I think. I know I am. And I'm determined. I think that's the most important thing, determination. I know what I want, and this is it. This has been my dream since I was fifteen. And although much of me has passed away... This has endured. I had the choice, you know. The choice to go to college, go to a university, start a "real" career, live a normal life. But there has never been any part of me that's ever craved the stability and supposed "safety" of a normal life. So... Why not do something crazy? Something I don't think I could possibly ever regret as long as I live? I'm excited. I'm more than excited, I'm estatic. Thank you, God. Thank you thank you thank you. It's him, really. He's the one responsible for all of this. That is something I can never forget. This summer's going to be busy. I have a lot to prepare, and most importantly, it's my last summer in Vermont. And you better believe I'm going to enjoy every second of it. See you on the road.
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Author"To see the world. Things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, to draw closer, to find each other and feel. That is the purpose of life." Archives
November 2023
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